God Gave me Style. God Gave me Grace.

I am beyond excited for tomorrow's season premiere of LOST. Last season means that I will finally get answers to about 5 years of questions. Don't disappoint me writers or we'll have some serious issues.

I had an amazing weekend. Took Friday off to go to a casino/resort with my friend Laura. So nice to get away and have new scenery. Then Saturday we stopped by a small town on our way home, and did some shopping & sightseeing. It was a really cute town and everyone was very friendly. Sort of felt like Mayberry or Stars Hallow. As soon as I can soliciate a more reliable computer I'll download pictures.

Its been a very good weekend, and I am so grateful for it, but now back to reality.

For almost 3 months now I've been having chest/rib/joint pain. Its really been quite scary because up until now I've never felt this type of pain. I've also had moments of serious fatigue and sleep issues. I've been to the doctor a few times, and we are now looking at the possibility I have fibromyaliga.

Its been a really scary experience thus far. Feeling pain but not really having a cause for it. And very frightening to possibly have something that is lifelong & chronic. I have moments where I think "so I'm going to be in pain from now on!?"

I've been doing much better as of late. Since about the begining of the month the pain has gotten way more manageable where I don't need to pop advil everyday. The horrible pain in my ribs and chest was practically gone, with only a twinge here and there. I began to think maybe it was just a weird passing thing. Maybe I really did just pull a muscle, or had a lot of stress because of the holidays, and now its gone.

But the pain returned Saturday. And its gotten worse. I'm just so incredibly upset that its back.

Maybe it will go away again, but I know it took a while to get myself back to a place where I was almost pain free. And if it is fibromylagia then I'm going to have highs and lows. Times where the pain peaks and dies down.

I just wish I knew what it was for sure, but there's not sure way to know. No test I can take to confirm. And I wish I knew how exactly to deal with it. What triggers it, what not to do. Good thing is there is a lot of information out there on it, bad thing is I don't even know where to begin. But I'm sure I'll get there.

In the meantime I'm going to take Advil PM and pray that sleep comes and I don't feel so awful tomorrow.

Valentine's Day is just one of the many holidays where I get to realize my single status more than most days.

Its never been a particular favorite of mine. Even as a child I was a bit neurotic about it. Always wondering who would give me a valentine's day card at school, and if that valentine would have more written in it than simply a to and from field filled out. I imagined, in great detail, various boys who would declare their undying affection and love for me on the back of a snoopy card, framed by pink and red hearts. Too bad this never happened (as I'm pretty sure this has never really happened to any child under the age of 12, because as we all know girls have cooties until one has reached Jr High).

In high school all the singletons would band together and show their allegiance to the single lifestyle. This usually consisted of a sleepover or get together of some sort where eating massive amount of candy, junk food, and watching a few sappy romance movies (A Walk to Remember, Romeo & Juliet, etc) commenced. After the sugar high wore off and the food coma set in then an assualt on those who were coupled would start, and by the end of the night one would conclude they had a predictable, but fun girls night in (or perhaps out).

In college I was too busy to even think of valentines day or how I might spend it. Sure, the massive red posters would assualt me at every corner. Screaming about "special events" and "$5 roses", "$30 carriage+dinner specials" and "save the children". But for the most part I could graciously forget about seeing these unfortunate reminders because I had too much to cram into my overhauled brain. I let all the things that would not be on mutiple choice exams and essay questions go. Oh, how I miss the simplicity of college sometimes.

It wasn't until I entered the working world that valentines day became truely unbearable. Perhaps because by this time about 7 out of 10 friends were either dating someone, engaged, married, or married with kids. Couples seemed to predominate the circuit as it may, and finding fellow singletons became a much more hit or miss prospect. Due to this thinning out of singles so went the days of having single girls vs valentines day parties. In came the days where one must usually face valentines day either at work and then alone at night, or with a mesh of single friends who go out but pretend valentines is not happening. It is simply not talked about and a gathering will be treated as any normal gathering would. Nothing about valentines mentioned, and no candy present (especially the hearts with messages on them).

But the main reason for the change in simply disliking valentines to dreading it comes from work. Being single in an office setting during valentines can be somewhat cruel. Last valentines about 90% of my cubemates received huge, obnoxious flower boutiques from their boyfriends & husbands (I am surrounded by estrogen and work in a department where there is roughly 30 women to 2 men). Now seeing random boutiques of flowers on nearly all desks wouldn't be that bad, except, for every boutique sent a huge massive deal is made.

"OH MY GOODNESS!!! THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL! WHO SENT THEM!? OH WOW, HE IS SO SWEET! WHAT DOES THE CARD SAY!!!!? ARE THOSE TULIPS!!!? OHHHHHHHH"

This type of conversation can be heard across the tops of surrounding cubes. MuLtiply this reaction at least 10 times per boutique and it is enough to drive anyone to take a personal day. But its not just flowers my dear friends. Its candies, and cards, and SINGING cards. Its everywhere. And it lasts for at least a week.

Now I've never been very good at hiding my disdain for my current single state, but facing all of this over-the-top romance for 5 days straight is a bit much for any person. I am surrounded by pink/red, Hallmark, chocolate, and pollen. I believe I have become allergic to these things.

I will say though, for all my angst/bitterness/sarcasm regarding this holiday there are good things it brings me:

• Sappy, romantic comedies and or drama that come into theaters (last year it was "He's Just Not that Into You", I secretly loved. This year "Valentine's Day" which I will probably also secretly love)
• My friends. Single or not the ones that matter always make me smile, even on hell week...er...valentine's
• Saving $$$. No gift-giving, no expensive trips or nights out. I'm free from feeling guilty for not spending
• My Mom always buys me flowers....because she loves me and because she is a wickedly awesome Mom
• Discount candy after the holiday has ended

So while I will be cringing the week before February 14th, and the day of (its inevitable) I will not be defeated! Because afterall its only a holiday  :)

Its okay to be unsure of practically everything in your life, right? Just filled with so much doubt recently. Doubt about myself, doubt about my future, doubt about God's plan.

I don't understand how some people can just find love. They don't struggle to find it. It just happens. Two people meet and become a couple. I don't understand how they can find it and I can't. Why it completely elludes me. Why I struggle. Why I'm alone and most around me are not. Why some people get several chances at finding happiness, and I am stuck for 26 years in a single state, and have not experienced it once. It's not fair.

Being discontent is a huge problem. I'm basically telling God that I'm unhappy with what He's given me. But I can't lie. I'm not happy with my current state. I've been unhappy with it for a long time. I try so hard to live the life I have now, and to be satisfied, but I fail. I'm watching friends get married, now I'm watching them have babies. Its hard not to feel completely left behind. Still in the same state, and watching others move into new territory. I want to move on. I want to have something in my life that is exciting & happy. I want to have good news.

Whenever someone says "What's new?" I literally have nothing to say. There is nothing new. Every week is the same. Every month the same routine. I don't have anything to share, anything newsworthy.

I try. I struggle to make the best of it, but I haven't been doing a very good job lately. The anger of "why me?" is back. And I feel doubt about everything in my life lately.

But why should God give me my desires? I haven't been very consistent or good at following Him. I haven't been really listening to His will. But do I have to deserve love? Do I have to reach a certain point and then I can be loved? Because I look at some people and think "they didn't have to deserve it? why do I?" And this thought pattern of deserving love makes me feel completely inadequate. So I try for perfection and fail miserably. Its a vicious cycle.

Everyone tells me "when you stop looking you'll find it," Great advice. Tell me how not to think about it, or how not to feel on edge for it when I'm surrounded by it. By people in love, by songs and movies about love. Tell me how to ignore it and I'll gladly do it, but until you've been single your entire life, with a smattering of disappointing dates and diasters, and you are 26 then I think I'll ignore your advice.

I guess this is my trial by fire, and I'm not doing a very good job of passing through it. I haven't been doing a great job for almost 3 years. When its over maybe I'll receive some clarity, but right now I feel lost in it.

Drool*

I've realized this past week how much I miss blogging. I miss the atmosphere of sharing. Thoughts, days, events, ideas, photos. I started blogging on Vox in 2007 and for a year I was very loyal about updating at least once a week. Sad to say 2009 I was lucky if I posted every three months.

I think there's something to say for writing something on a computer screen, and sending it out into the internet universe. Something brave about opening up and putting your thoughts out for anyone/everyone to see. I miss having the openness I once I had. I think the past two years have been a roller coaster, and somewhere in there I lost touch with being able to be open. Let's face it sometimes just getting through a week is hard enough without having disect or talk about it.

My approach to life the past year and a half has sadly been to "get through it". I am by no means deprived. I am extremely blessed, and have more than most people. I've had small tragedies, as everyone has, but in the whole scheme of things my life, so far, has been amazing. But I've become discontent. I've grown restless and disappointed. I haven't been enjoying my life, as it is right now, but instead always wishing for something different. To be different. To have a different situation. To have different experiences. This constant state of discontentment has taken its toll, and the mindset of getting through days, weeks, months has been prevelant.

So I stopped blogging. I stopped writing. Stopped trying to create. I sort of went into a mode of keeping myself busy so I wouldn't have to think of any of the holes that were developing. Filling myself with unneeded things. I didn't even realize that's what I had been doing, until God recently showed me.

It's amazing what clarity Jesus can give you when you allow Him. I'm allowing Him to peel back the layers of how I've been living the past few years. Its been a bit shocking. When you stop self-evaluating you're in danger of not growing. I'm sad to say I haven't been challenging myself at all, and in that I haven't grown very much. The past few weeks though I feel I've exploded with growth. God has been showing me so much, and has been so faithful.

So with my mind now engaged once more I'm hoping I can begin to blog again. See you around kids.

You had me at New Moon:

New-moon-poster2-692x1024

I don't care how absurd or badly acted the Twilight Saga movies are...I'm a sucker. Mainly because I love the books enough to give the movies a free pass.

Saw New Moon yesturday, and although no where near perfect, its a massive improvement to the first movie. I was very pleasantly surprised to see how closely it followed the book (Twilight for me devated way too much from the book). I thought both the direction and graphics were much better.

The acting still is touchy. While I try very hard to not judge it too harshly, I really feel the chemistry between Kristin Stewart & Robert Pattinson is nothing like it is in the book. In the book they have a much witty repetoire, and seem more in synche with each other. In the movie they feel awkward & way too heavy.

Still a vast improvement, and I am satisfied. Wonder how Eclipse will turn out.

'Tis the Holidays...Here are two things that I love:

Magic

last night my Mom told me my Dad might be moving to Indiana for a job. He lost his about a month ago and is having trouble finding work around here. My parent's have been separated since last November, and although I knew in my heart & head they wouldn't be getting back together I guess I never really dealt with their separation. Now with the possibility of him moving it sort of hits me.

This all gets much more complicated because of my little brother & sister (3 & 4). When my parents separated my Father distanced himself from the family, and gave up a lot of his responsibilities for the kids. So much so that all he does now is see the kids once a week for about 5 hours. My Mom relies on myself and another babysitter to help her where needed. At first it was tough to take on, but now I feel like its been much fun with the kids, so I don't mind as much.

But with the move it feels more like a symbol of how little consideration he gives the kids. I know he needs a job, I understand that he needs to survive and his options or slim. I want to stop blaming him, but its hard because I feel his decisions can be so self-motivated. He's leaving his wife & kids to go to Indiana.

I feel so burdened by having to pick up the pieces of the family I once knew. My sister is out of state, and my brother has his own family. How do I begin to understand how fragmented my family has become. We once were a unit, so tight. Now scattered & broken.

I'm tired & scared & feel sort of like the separation has happened all over again. There is a chance he may not go. The place in Indiana hasn't officially accepted him yet. So we'll see. But if he does go not too much will change. He doesn't do too much with the kids now. Just the idea though that the kids won't be able to see him at all, and that he'll be unable to help my Mom in times of crisis. It makes me feel unsafe and scared for my Mom.

But I'll stand up & help where I can. Just hard to fight the rage I want to feel towards my Father. This is his job. Why is he abadoning his family and leaving me to do HIS JOB.

But I don't want to be angry. I don't want to fight. I don't want to make it worse than it already is.

Jesus, get me through this.