Its okay to be unsure of practically everything in your life, right? Just filled with so much doubt recently. Doubt about myself, doubt about my future, doubt about God's plan.
I don't understand how some people can just find love. They don't struggle to find it. It just happens. Two people meet and become a couple. I don't understand how they can find it and I can't. Why it completely elludes me. Why I struggle. Why I'm alone and most around me are not. Why some people get several chances at finding happiness, and I am stuck for 26 years in a single state, and have not experienced it once. It's not fair.
Being discontent is a huge problem. I'm basically telling God that I'm unhappy with what He's given me. But I can't lie. I'm not happy with my current state. I've been unhappy with it for a long time. I try so hard to live the life I have now, and to be satisfied, but I fail. I'm watching friends get married, now I'm watching them have babies. Its hard not to feel completely left behind. Still in the same state, and watching others move into new territory. I want to move on. I want to have something in my life that is exciting & happy. I want to have good news.
Whenever someone says "What's new?" I literally have nothing to say. There is nothing new. Every week is the same. Every month the same routine. I don't have anything to share, anything newsworthy.
I try. I struggle to make the best of it, but I haven't been doing a very good job lately. The anger of "why me?" is back. And I feel doubt about everything in my life lately.
But why should God give me my desires? I haven't been very consistent or good at following Him. I haven't been really listening to His will. But do I have to deserve love? Do I have to reach a certain point and then I can be loved? Because I look at some people and think "they didn't have to deserve it? why do I?" And this thought pattern of deserving love makes me feel completely inadequate. So I try for perfection and fail miserably. Its a vicious cycle.
Everyone tells me "when you stop looking you'll find it," Great advice. Tell me how not to think about it, or how not to feel on edge for it when I'm surrounded by it. By people in love, by songs and movies about love. Tell me how to ignore it and I'll gladly do it, but until you've been single your entire life, with a smattering of disappointing dates and diasters, and you are 26 then I think I'll ignore your advice.
I guess this is my trial by fire, and I'm not doing a very good job of passing through it. I haven't been doing a great job for almost 3 years. When its over maybe I'll receive some clarity, but right now I feel lost in it.
I've realized this past week how much I miss blogging. I miss the atmosphere of sharing. Thoughts, days, events, ideas, photos. I started blogging on Vox in 2007 and for a year I was very loyal about updating at least once a week. Sad to say 2009 I was lucky if I posted every three months.
I think there's something to say for writing something on a computer screen, and sending it out into the internet universe. Something brave about opening up and putting your thoughts out for anyone/everyone to see. I miss having the openness I once I had. I think the past two years have been a roller coaster, and somewhere in there I lost touch with being able to be open. Let's face it sometimes just getting through a week is hard enough without having disect or talk about it.
My approach to life the past year and a half has sadly been to "get through it". I am by no means deprived. I am extremely blessed, and have more than most people. I've had small tragedies, as everyone has, but in the whole scheme of things my life, so far, has been amazing. But I've become discontent. I've grown restless and disappointed. I haven't been enjoying my life, as it is right now, but instead always wishing for something different. To be different. To have a different situation. To have different experiences. This constant state of discontentment has taken its toll, and the mindset of getting through days, weeks, months has been prevelant.
So I stopped blogging. I stopped writing. Stopped trying to create. I sort of went into a mode of keeping myself busy so I wouldn't have to think of any of the holes that were developing. Filling myself with unneeded things. I didn't even realize that's what I had been doing, until God recently showed me.
It's amazing what clarity Jesus can give you when you allow Him. I'm allowing Him to peel back the layers of how I've been living the past few years. Its been a bit shocking. When you stop self-evaluating you're in danger of not growing. I'm sad to say I haven't been challenging myself at all, and in that I haven't grown very much. The past few weeks though I feel I've exploded with growth. God has been showing me so much, and has been so faithful.
So with my mind now engaged once more I'm hoping I can begin to blog again. See you around kids.
You had me at New Moon:
I don't care how absurd or badly acted the Twilight Saga movies are...I'm a sucker. Mainly because I love the books enough to give the movies a free pass.
Saw New Moon yesturday, and although no where near perfect, its a massive improvement to the first movie. I was very pleasantly surprised to see how closely it followed the book (Twilight for me devated way too much from the book). I thought both the direction and graphics were much better.
The acting still is touchy. While I try very hard to not judge it too harshly, I really feel the chemistry between Kristin Stewart & Robert Pattinson is nothing like it is in the book. In the book they have a much witty repetoire, and seem more in synche with each other. In the movie they feel awkward & way too heavy.
Still a vast improvement, and I am satisfied. Wonder how Eclipse will turn out.
'Tis the Holidays...Here are two things that I love:
last night my Mom told me my Dad might be moving to Indiana for a job. He lost his about a month ago and is having trouble finding work around here. My parent's have been separated since last November, and although I knew in my heart & head they wouldn't be getting back together I guess I never really dealt with their separation. Now with the possibility of him moving it sort of hits me.
This all gets much more complicated because of my little brother & sister (3 & 4). When my parents separated my Father distanced himself from the family, and gave up a lot of his responsibilities for the kids. So much so that all he does now is see the kids once a week for about 5 hours. My Mom relies on myself and another babysitter to help her where needed. At first it was tough to take on, but now I feel like its been much fun with the kids, so I don't mind as much.
But with the move it feels more like a symbol of how little consideration he gives the kids. I know he needs a job, I understand that he needs to survive and his options or slim. I want to stop blaming him, but its hard because I feel his decisions can be so self-motivated. He's leaving his wife & kids to go to Indiana.
I feel so burdened by having to pick up the pieces of the family I once knew. My sister is out of state, and my brother has his own family. How do I begin to understand how fragmented my family has become. We once were a unit, so tight. Now scattered & broken.
I'm tired & scared & feel sort of like the separation has happened all over again. There is a chance he may not go. The place in Indiana hasn't officially accepted him yet. So we'll see. But if he does go not too much will change. He doesn't do too much with the kids now. Just the idea though that the kids won't be able to see him at all, and that he'll be unable to help my Mom in times of crisis. It makes me feel unsafe and scared for my Mom.
But I'll stand up & help where I can. Just hard to fight the rage I want to feel towards my Father. This is his job. Why is he abadoning his family and leaving me to do HIS JOB.
But I don't want to be angry. I don't want to fight. I don't want to make it worse than it already is.
Jesus, get me through this.
Reason I love Paramore? She can really sing. Now a days its hard to find a band whose good live.
Now about 6 years later I've seen it again, and now it makes sense. The loneliness that is being portrayed is so clear now. Really the movie is about isolation. The two main characters are surrounded. Surrounded by people, technology, energy, life. They aren't denied anything in their fabulous hotels. Outside life pulsates. However, they feel alone. They can't seem to find anyone (even their spouses) or anything that elevates the loneliness that consumes them. It seems all connection to life is lost.
Out of this understanding of each other's loneliness and confusion they form a bond. The movie isn't perfect by any means, and there are scenes and plot twists that still elude me (strip joint? lounge singer hookup?), but I understood the message finally.
Maybe its because I'm older, and have experienced or rather am experiencing something similar to the characters themselves. This feelings of disconnectiveness. The feeling that even in crowded rooms or blaring cities I feel alone. That the idea of being connected or making a connection is so much harder than it used to be.
Is this an age thing? We get to an age where we find ourselves out of practice with trying to connect. When we're younger it seems as though this is all we're trying to do. Be seen, be heard, find someone to see us, hear us. But as we get older it seems like we fade into the background. We learn there are more pressing things, like working 40 hours a week, paying bills...it takes all our energy and attention, so all chances to truely connect are put on the backburner.
Just thinking out loud really. I'm not really this dismal or jaded at life. Just reflecting on how I may have gotten from point A to point B. Definitely in a different place than I've ever been in. And making sense of the new emotions coming from this new place can be frustrating.
But neither here nor there. What I really wanted to put out into the internet universe tonight was that I understand the loneliness, perhaps all too well, and that this realization makes me feel a lot less lonely.
Its ridiculous how excited I am for New Moon, mostly because the newest trailer looks SO good.
Is it possible that Jacob may just steal this movie from Edward? Quite possibly...he looks pretty fine.
November 20th can't come soon enough.
Mostly due to the influence of Julie/Julia I am throwing a dinner party with my roommate this Friday!
Hoping that all goes well, and no smoke alarms or food poisoning occurs!
Now...any suggestions on what to make?
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