last night my Mom told me my Dad might be moving to Indiana for a job. He lost his about a month ago and is having trouble finding work around here. My parent's have been separated since last November, and although I knew in my heart & head they wouldn't be getting back together I guess I never really dealt with their separation. Now with the possibility of him moving it sort of hits me.
This all gets much more complicated because of my little brother & sister (3 & 4). When my parents separated my Father distanced himself from the family, and gave up a lot of his responsibilities for the kids. So much so that all he does now is see the kids once a week for about 5 hours. My Mom relies on myself and another babysitter to help her where needed. At first it was tough to take on, but now I feel like its been much fun with the kids, so I don't mind as much.
But with the move it feels more like a symbol of how little consideration he gives the kids. I know he needs a job, I understand that he needs to survive and his options or slim. I want to stop blaming him, but its hard because I feel his decisions can be so self-motivated. He's leaving his wife & kids to go to Indiana.
I feel so burdened by having to pick up the pieces of the family I once knew. My sister is out of state, and my brother has his own family. How do I begin to understand how fragmented my family has become. We once were a unit, so tight. Now scattered & broken.
I'm tired & scared & feel sort of like the separation has happened all over again. There is a chance he may not go. The place in Indiana hasn't officially accepted him yet. So we'll see. But if he does go not too much will change. He doesn't do too much with the kids now. Just the idea though that the kids won't be able to see him at all, and that he'll be unable to help my Mom in times of crisis. It makes me feel unsafe and scared for my Mom.
But I'll stand up & help where I can. Just hard to fight the rage I want to feel towards my Father. This is his job. Why is he abadoning his family and leaving me to do HIS JOB.
But I don't want to be angry. I don't want to fight. I don't want to make it worse than it already is.
Jesus, get me through this.
Reason I love Paramore? She can really sing. Now a days its hard to find a band whose good live.
Now about 6 years later I've seen it again, and now it makes sense. The loneliness that is being portrayed is so clear now. Really the movie is about isolation. The two main characters are surrounded. Surrounded by people, technology, energy, life. They aren't denied anything in their fabulous hotels. Outside life pulsates. However, they feel alone. They can't seem to find anyone (even their spouses) or anything that elevates the loneliness that consumes them. It seems all connection to life is lost.
Out of this understanding of each other's loneliness and confusion they form a bond. The movie isn't perfect by any means, and there are scenes and plot twists that still elude me (strip joint? lounge singer hookup?), but I understood the message finally.
Maybe its because I'm older, and have experienced or rather am experiencing something similar to the characters themselves. This feelings of disconnectiveness. The feeling that even in crowded rooms or blaring cities I feel alone. That the idea of being connected or making a connection is so much harder than it used to be.
Is this an age thing? We get to an age where we find ourselves out of practice with trying to connect. When we're younger it seems as though this is all we're trying to do. Be seen, be heard, find someone to see us, hear us. But as we get older it seems like we fade into the background. We learn there are more pressing things, like working 40 hours a week, paying bills...it takes all our energy and attention, so all chances to truely connect are put on the backburner.
Just thinking out loud really. I'm not really this dismal or jaded at life. Just reflecting on how I may have gotten from point A to point B. Definitely in a different place than I've ever been in. And making sense of the new emotions coming from this new place can be frustrating.
But neither here nor there. What I really wanted to put out into the internet universe tonight was that I understand the loneliness, perhaps all too well, and that this realization makes me feel a lot less lonely.
Its ridiculous how excited I am for New Moon, mostly because the newest trailer looks SO good.
Is it possible that Jacob may just steal this movie from Edward? Quite possibly...he looks pretty fine.
November 20th can't come soon enough.
Mostly due to the influence of Julie/Julia I am throwing a dinner party with my roommate this Friday!
Hoping that all goes well, and no smoke alarms or food poisoning occurs!
Now...any suggestions on what to make?
I am a true, living, breathing shopaholic. You see them in books, movies, and on Oprah. They impulsively purchase things that are not necessities. These purchases are not true needs, but rather wants that are gobbled up in haste.
What creates a shopaholic. Perhaps instability, a spattering of control-freak mixed in with a creative mind that is too easily pleased by asethics? A feeling that the goods that are purchased may, just in fact, change their lives forever. That by gaining the things that look "pretty" their life will in turn become pretty and fabulous.
These are just guesses. Well more than guesses.
Truth is, and we've been told this countless times, but the more things you acquire the emptier you feel. Seems like a contradiction, and in meta-physics it is, however in spiritual sense it is true.
So how does one rid themselves of an obsession? Begin to weed out the things that seem to be choking them (I look at my closet now & feel overwhelmed, not relieved)? I guess by first admitting, and then seriously looking at what they can do to stop the obsession, the impulsive need to buy buy buy.
So tonight I make a huge leap. I am going to cut my store credit cards. If what I see is what I need SO badly, well I guess I will have to save up for it. This will keep impulsive purchases very very low (since I have no extra money flying around).
The thing I'm learning is that its fun to buy whatever you feel like in the moment, but not only do you pay a huge pricetag for it (cha-ching interest rate), but in the end that thing that you thought would somehow magically transform your life? Yeah, that doesn't happen. You still go back to the same life, disappointments, frustrations, and all. The coat, shirt, teapot won't change your circumstances. It won't transform you into a more beautiful person. The person you were when you walked into that store is the same person who will walk out.
So its time to stop concentrating so much on vanity & glutony, and focus on getting myself beautiful from the inside. To foster my mind & soul, and stop exercising my credit card.
Today was the day to trek to the bridal shop, and find my friend Melissa her wedding dress. Its beautiful. She's such a glowing bride. We also found our Bridesmaid's dresses, which I love. Very elegant. I can't wait to see how it all comes together.
When I was little I thought about my future wedding, like most little girls do. I'd talk to my friends about my dreamy future husband (always the lastest Teen Bop cover star), and how many kids I wanted. But honestly I've never really put a lot thought in about my wedding. I think its because until the last few years I never really felt I wanted to get married. I was in college and busy. It just wasn't on my radar.
Since graduating the feelings of wanting to share my life with someone. To say "I do" have increased. Even the desire for children has grown. But I am lightyears from fulfilling any of these dreams. One usually needs a boyfriend to move towards these things.
Its bittersweet being involved in weddings (my 3rd wedding I've been in, 3rd time being the Maid of Honor, some sort of cosmic joke it seems). Its so exciting, magical, euphoric. You feel the happiness radiating off the Bride & Groom. Its sad because in a way you are saying goodbye to your friend/family member. Not that you won't continue to be friends, but things won't be exactly the same. Marriage changes things.
Its hard to be in a wedding (or go to one for that matter) when you are single. To check the single box on the invitation, or to write the 1 next down to the number coming. Hard to be so intricately involved in a ceremony that celebrates love when you do not have it. I don't ever feel jealousy, but more of a void. An ache in my heart. Its as though a piece of my heart is missing, and I have yet to find it. Corny yes, but I can say out of years of experience that loneliness has a physical feeling. Its a very real pain that resides near my heart.
But I refuse to be the poor almost over 25yr old sad single girl. I'll continue to have fun. I'll continue to laugh and fill my life with the things that make me happy. I will continue to work & try to pay off my mountain of debt. I will do my best to live the life that God has given me RIGHT now. And the future will take care of itself, right?
Right.
Work drama spiraled into a new realm today, and somehow I got involved in something I wasn't involved in. Going to try my hardest to rise above it, to stay out of it, to just do my job & let the rest be of little value to me.
Not to diss my own gender, but 98% concentration of women in a department? Ridiculous & pointless drama/backstabbing/gossiping ensues. Guilty of indulging in it sometimes, but more often than not it frustrates & infuriates me. I think I should just permanently wear headphones unless I have to take a call, so as to block it all out.
Needing a night in soon. I night where I can read a book & perhaps write for a while. Every night I always think I'll have time to do these two things, but I never do. They get pushed aside in lieu of Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, and celebrity gossip columns.
Currently trying to read "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris, but I can't get into it at all. I've decided I can't do short stories, and I can't do biographies that are just small stories about random happenings. There has to be purpose, a reason, a progression.
Thinking maybe of reading "Emma" by Jane Austen, but I'm craving something different. Something unexpected. Give me suggestions.
The sad 25yr old working stiff that I am should go to bed. Tomorrow more work drama will ensue I'm sure of it, and I want to at least look good when it all happens.
Saw Julie/Julia this afternoon. I loved it. Very inspiring and lighthearted. Its message was simple: find out what you love to do it, and then go do it. Whether it becomes your main "job" in life is irrelevant. Julie Powell didn't quit her job and become a master chef. But she did take it on in the time between, and wrote about it. In the end, her passion of cooking & writing came together. But it was a long journey.
I forget more often than not my life is a journey too. I won't always be in this same position. A position of loathing my job, disliking my non-existent love life, feeling overwhelmed by money, family drama, and life in general. One day things will change. One day I might find myself with a career I love, or will find something that I am passionate about. But for now I have to try and appreciate the thing that my current life provides, which is a sort of freedom. I have responsibilities, but they are minimal in comparison to others. I have a lot of freedom to explore, to take time to myself, to possibly take risks, since its just me.
I would like to find a project or projects I can work on to keep me occupied though.
I thought about maybe working on taking more pictures, but my camera unexpectedly broke so I'm in a dry spell on taking pictures until I can find a new one. Might be a while since extra money is not something I have these days. Any suggestions on decent, but cost-effective cameras? Keeping it under $150 if I can.
I do enjoy writing, but cannot seem to find enough of a passion for it to commit to writing something for very long.
I guess if I keep thinking I'm bond to find something, right?
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